Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
- ISBN13: 9780684802411
- Condition: NEW
- Notes: Brand New from Publisher. No Remainder Mark.
Product Description
If You Love Your Mate but Your Marriage Seems to Be Off Track, Then This Book Is for You
Psychologist John Gottman has spent 20 years studying what makes a marriage last. Now you can use his tested methods to evaluate, strengthen, and maintain your own long-term relationship. This breakthrough book guides you through a series of self-tests designed to help you determine what kind of marriage you have, where your strengths and weaknesses are, and what specific actions you can take to help your marriage.
You’ll also learn:
* More sex doesn’t necessarily improve a marriage
* Frequent arguing will not lead to divorce
* Financial problems do not always spell trouble in a relationship
* Wives who make sour facial expressions when their husbands talk are likely to be separated within four years
* There is a reason husbands withdraw from arguments — and there’s a way around it
Dr. Gottman tells you how to recognize attitudes that doom a marriage — contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling — and provides practical exercises, quizzes, tips, and techniques that will help you understand and make the most of your relationship. You can avoid patterns that lead to divorce, and — Why Marriages Succeed or Fail will show you how.
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
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There are many books on the market which seek to absolve men of the responsibility for mature or kind behavior in relationships. Unfortunately, this one does, too.
The author describes physical symptoms which occur in a man when he is in a heated discussion or argument. This is to justify his withdrawing from the discussion without the issue being resolved.
So, because he claims he may have a heart attack, a man can live as unkindly or inconsiderately as he wishes. Does he get away with such behavior at work, may I ask? No, because he would be fired, and lose his income and bragging rights.
The point is that people who don’t consider the feelings of others do so because others let them. In this society, it is the women who are socialized to be the tolerators of emotional abuse.
Because when someone won’t talk to you, yet doesn’t want you to leave and do more and better with your life, that is abuse.
The fact is, people - men and women - need to be mature and responsible in long-term relationships. Those who cannot may choose to stay single.
Rating: 1 / 5
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST LOOKS AT MARRIAGE???? The author’s claim to fame (even Oprah says he # 1) is that he is a scientist who relies on long term data analysis while almost everybody else in his business relies on intuition and data from the limited number of patients with whom they work. The author says, “much of the conventional wisdom even among marital therapists-is misguided or dead wrong.” The reader is encouraged to read on with great anticipation indeed. So what does all this amount to? Not much at all it turns out. The author says he can predict divorce(in one study anyway) with 94% accuracy and that “may”(page 21) help you back away from the slippery slope of divorce. In another book the author says of the same study, “accuracy of prediction does not mean I understand the process involved in the maintenance or deterioration of a marriage.” So then who needs idle and probably meaningless predictions? The first italicized words come on page 28. They are: if there is one lesson I have learned from my years of research it is that a lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.” This is a major conclusion? How could it be when we already know that couples who divorce obviously haven’t resolved their differences? It is a given that if you don’t resolve conflicts you will divorce or be miserably married. No two people want exactly the same thing. Where to live, when to have sex, how to spend money, etc,etc are all conflicts that people in love workout. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be in love. So what on earth does it mean to conclude that a couple must resolve conflicts to remain a couple? Agreement on where to go on a first date represents the resolution of a conflict; without this there is no relationship. Did someone ever argue that an inability to resolve conflicts was good for a marriage, or any relationship of any kind for that matter? Then we learn about the “four horseman of the apocalypse” : criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, that lead sequentially toward divorce. Again the book has the same problem. Nobody ever argued that the 4 horseman were good for marriage. Besides, everybody can add to these four anyway. How about alcoholism, physical abuse, hatred, adultery, abandonment, chronic unemployment, drug abuse, emotional abuse, criminality, or feminism? If your wife develops a huge alcohol problem or your husband beats you or is sleeping with the mailman you don’t want to interrupt the four horseman sequence you want to run for your life. Yes, when there is a problem a couple proceeds through the four horseman, but to avoid the progression through the “four horseman” you first have to solve the problem. It seems in his fervor to position himself as a marriage scientist and to then measure only things that were scientifically measurable the author has forced himself into irrelevancy when he should have formulated his hypothesis in a meaningful way that might have led to logical and meaningful conclusions. Simple, but logical books like Men Are From Mars or The 91% Factor: Why Women Initiate 91% of Divorce offer simple actionable conclusions that didn’t take a lifetime of work but clearly stick with you long after you have put the book down.
Rating: 1 / 5
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
Dr. Gottman’s claim to fame(even Oprah once said he’s # 1) is that he is a scientist who relies on long term data analysis while almost everybody else in his business relies on intuition and data from the limited number of patients with whom they work. Gottman says, ‘much of the conventional wisdom even among marital therapists-is misguided or dead wrong.’ He encourages us to read on with great anticipation indeed. So what does all this amount to? Not much at all it turns out. He says he can predict divorce(in one study anyway) with 94% accuracy and that ‘may’(page 21) help you back away from the slippery slope of divorce. In another book of his he says of the same study, ‘accuracy of prediction does not mean I understand the process involved in the maintenance or deterioration of a marriage.’ So then who needs idle and probably meaningless predictions? The first italicized words come on page 28: If there is one lesson I have learned from my years of research it is that a lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.’ This is a major conclusion? How could it be when we already know that couples who divorce obviously haven’t resolved their differences? It is a given that if you don’t resolve conflicts you will divorce. No two people want exactly the same thing. Where to live, when to have sex, how to spend money, etc,etc are all conflicts that people in love work out; if they didn’t they wouldn’t be in love. So what on earth does it mean to conclude that a couple must resolve conflicts to remain a couple? Agreement on where to go on a first date represents the resolution of a conflict; without this there is no relationship. Did someone ever argue that an inability to resolve conflicts was good for a marriage, or any relationship of any kind for that matter?
Then we learn about the ‘four horseman of the apocalypse’: criticism, defensiveness, contempt. and stonewalling, that lead sequentially toward divorce. Again Dr. Gottman has the same problem. Nobody ever argued that the 4 horseman were good for marriage. Besides, everybody can add to his four anyway. How about alcoholism, physical abuse, hatred, adultery, absence, chronic unemployment, drug abuse, emotional abuse, criminality, and feminism. If your wife develops a huge alcohol problem or your husband beats you or is sleeping with the mailman you don’t want to interrupt the four horseman sequence, you want to run for your life. Yes, when there is a problem a couple uses the four horseman but to kill the four horseman you first have to kill the problem. It seems in his fervor to position himself as a marriage scientist and to then measure things that were scientifically measurable Dr. Gottman has forced himself into irrelevancy when he should have formulated his hypothesis in a meaningful way that might have led to meaningful conclusions. Simple books like Men Are From Mars or The 91% Factor: Why Women Initiate 91% of Divorce offer simple actionable conclusions that didn’t take a lifetime of work and clearly stick with you after the book is long gone.
Also recommended: MEN ARE FROM MARS—-and—- THE 91% FACTOR:WHY WOMEN INITIATE 91% OF DIVORCE
Rating: 2 / 5
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
Not as useful as his later work
Rating: 3 / 5
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
Dr. Gottman’s book didn’t cover anything most people have already heard. It’s not what you fight about but how you fight. Who hasn’t heard this line? Some of the quizzes to assess your marriage were interesting (for example, I didn’t think I would be comfortable in an avoidance style marriage, but a quiz proved me wrong), but for the most part this book didn’t offer me any new insight. I don’t feel like any information in this book will be able to applied to help my marriage last. My husband and I also have a very good marriage, so I felt like a lot of the points presented do not apply to me. Dr. Gottman seemd to present too many scenerios between other couples instead of presenting practical information that is useable. I was disppointed, because I usually like most self-help books and find them useful.
Rating: 2 / 5
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last